"No force on earth or heaven could get me on that island" says Dr Grant (Neill) near the beginning of the film. Guess what happens next. OK, so you probably guessed even before this point (there's a clue in the title). But for those of you who are terminally slow, he goes back to Jurassic Park. It neatly sums up the film, though - predictable.

Jurassic Park 3 is the story of Grant and a bunch of dopey folks going on a trip to Isla Sorna, where they are met by dinosaurs and possible death. But what has prompted Grant's change of mind? What else? Bundles of cash. You see, he's a struggling academic desperate for funds to help him complete his research into velociraptors. Oh well, that's OK then.

Enter the Kirbys (Macy and Leoni), who offer to pay Grant to guide them in an aerial tour of the infamous Jurassic Park. Their real motives soon become clear, however, as really they want to search for their son, who became stranded on the island after a paragliding mishap (the paragliding trip was called the "Dino-Soar" ho, ho). The boat the poor child was attached to was eaten by something in the mysterious ocean fog (shock, horror).

What follows is fairly predictable, as character meets dinosaur, character runs away from dinosaur, woman-screams-man-takes-control, the expendable die. The effects are great, but still not real, the acting is Hollywood, though Neill and Macy add some class to the proceedings, but the script should have stayed in the 'Schwarzenegger' pile. Therefore, if you are deaf and can't lip-read then you may enjoy this film.

The saving grace of the film is it's ending. No, it isn't any good, although it is so cheesy it does remind you why you don't normally go to see this drivel. The end is bitter relief as it saves you from anymore misery and keeps the film short (only 93mins).

I'm sure it will be billed as "an exciting summer movie" / "exhilarating… unmissable… the film of the year! - The Daily Planet", but really it boils down to 'Dinosaurs on screen = fairly interesting, No Dinosaurs on screen = dull / patronising'

Oh, and it also 'tries' to be funny (notice the apostrophes) - it isn't. There are some bad jokes, and some really bad jokes. The worst coming at the end, but possibly summing up current attitudes to the consequences of humanity's actions. When they are flying away into the distance and the pteradons are escaping (and so going to settle and 'pollute' somewhere else), Tea Leoni says, flippantly, how she hopes that they won't settle in Oklahoma. Right, so it's OK if someone else is eff'd up by them, but 'Not In My Backyard'. Nice message guys. And don't tell me it's meant to be ironic. It isn't. It's a cheap, poor, ill thought-out joke. Who wrote the script? Sid Little?

Sorry to spoil the end, but if you can't work out who will survive and who won't, you probably can't read either.

All in all, Jurassic Park 3 is a final (I hope) ploy to make some more money out of its CGI co-stars (the dinosaurs). The words 'horse', 'dead', 'a' and 'flogging' spring to mind.