Ever experienced any of the following?

• Hearing unusual voices on the telephone.
• Having relationship problems.
• Waking up with strange stains on sheets.
• Having headaches in sinus area and especially behind one eye.
• Tiredness in morning even though you slept all night.
• Light bulbs going out when you are near.
• Hearing loud knocking coming from doors.

If you said yes to 4 or more of the above, the chances are that you've been abducted by aliens.

No, I'm serious. These are all supposed symptoms of kidnapping by space invaders.

In "John Carpenter's Ghosts Of Mars" (15), released on 30th November, humans on the planet Mars have been possessed by the native 'alien' population and turned into killing machines. The only people who can save the planet and the race are cop Lt Ballard (Natasha Henstridge) and her prisoner James 'Desolation' Williams (Ice Cube).

It's civilization against civilization and Shining Canyon becomes the O.K.Corral - 176 years into the future - as Ballard and Williams join forces in mortal combat with the "Ghosts of Mars".

This poses the questions: Why would aliens want to kidnap you? How can you prevent it from happening? What do they do when they've got you?

These questions and many more are answered in our out of this world guide to Alien Abduction.

What is an alien abduction?

Basically, according to research carried out in USA (where else?), 1.5% of the population has been abducted at some time in their life. Doesn't sound much, does it? Well this equates to 4 million Americans and, if consistent around the world, 100 million people. That's a fair amount, not to be sniffed at really.

Abductors come in many forms. Chiefly they're what are called 'Greys'. These are the clichéd alien type. Grey in colour, very large coal black eyes, eyes just like an ant, a slit for a mouth, no visible ears. You know the kind. We've all seen them, just mostly on TV. These extraterrestrials are fairly nice guys, they don't carry laser guns, and seem to want to make peace with Earthlings: they tell the abductees to remain calm, they won't be harmed, and appear to have strict rules about their interaction with us.

The other main, and definitely more interesting, abductor type is 'the Jinn'. They're badder, meaner aliens. They are also the oldest form of aliens known to man: mentioned in the Bible and Koran no less (so they say). They don't have an actual physical presence and are more like what people describe as angels. Islamic texts state that the Jinn are able to materialize or disappear at will: this is because, it is suggested, "they are a form of conscious intelligence just like humans but they live on a higher vibratory level without physical bodies". Yeah, right.

They are said to be the reason that fairy stories exist in most civilisations. These mischievous, sometimes downright evil, pixies have always 'played' with humans just because they can. However, in recent times, they have found a new way to harass humans: alien abductions.

Purportedly, with their mind power, the Jinns can rustle up space ships and their interiors, complete with examination rooms. In your dreams... well, just maybe.

There are common factors that run through alien abduction stories by all types of alien. People speak of feeling paralysed, unable to speak, floating (sometimes through solid objects). The aliens almost always communicate telepathically with the victim. The big cliché about stories is that they found themselves lying on an examination table, being given a medical by the aliens. Occasionally these exams are sexual, even leading to sexual assaults, rapes, pregnancies and their subsequent interactions with alien-human hybrid babies.

Sometimes the aliens only capture their victims once; sometimes the aliens keep coming back for them for years.

The whole alien abduction thing is said to have originated with Barney and Betty Hill. The Hills claimed to have been abducted by aliens in 1961. Barney swore that the aliens took samples of his sperm; Betty claimed that they stuck a needle in her belly button. Why?

Why do they do it?

Two schools of though have emerged on this one:

1) Alien integration into human society through inter-breeding
2) The aliens are concerned that we're destroying the Earth and are trying to educate us

Which do you believe? Neither probably.

The first theory relies on the fact that all their efforts are geared towards complete control of the humans on Earth. Many abductees think that something is going to happen in the very near future, and that the aliens are nearing their goal of absolute power. Does this explain George W. Bush? Well, it's a thought. But it all reeks of conspiracy / New World Order theories. And I believe them even less.

Apparently, the interbreeding will lead to a better world for the aliens and hybrids, but not for the native population - us - as only a small amount of humans will be kept and used as gene pools. If they're so powerful that they can control us / make things appear, why do they want to use our genes? Why don't they just destroy us and take over the world?

The other theory suggests that the aliens are our own descendants, who have developed time travel and come back to save us. They are concerned Earth is near destruction by humans.

Has it already happened to you?

There are many 'symptoms' of alien abduction. If you have suffered any of these, it could mean that you've been a victim. Or perhaps there's a logical explanation (to illustrate this we've also added some possible reasons for these events):

Some of them sound like the result of a steaming night out:

Tiredness in morning after sleeping all night (good night then?)
Missing time (you were pissed, then?)
Waking up in different clothes or clothes on backwards (see above?)
Temporary inability to distinguish right from left (you're still drunk?)
Jewellery missing, i.e. wedding rings, but found later (you misplaced them?)
Waking in the middle of the night to unusual smells in your bedroom (you had a curry?)
Sudden interest in history, religions, Egypt (you tried to pull someone who liked this subject?)
Waking up upside down on the bed, or in another location (you got lucky?)
Wake up with unusual stiffness in any part of the body (you want to have sex?)
Sexual problems (you've drunk too much?)
Shaking of bed in conjunction with limbs of body (you're having sex?)
Wake up with odd stains on sheets (you had sex?)
Swelling in the genital area (Ooh, Matron)
Warts, boils and unexplained rashes after contact (should have used protection?)
Unusual or unplanned pregnancies (see above?)

Some of them sound like everyday occurrences:

Hearing loud knocking coming from doors (someone's at the door?)
Watches lose or gain time (you need a new battery?)
Light bulbs go out or explode when you are near (time to get a new light bulb?)
Strange voices coming from T.V. or radio (it's a programme you've never watched before?)
Unusual voices on the telephone (it's a wrong number?)
Feel a compulsion to walk or drive to a secluded spot (you're at the end of a date?)
Headaches in sinus area and especially behind one eye (you've got a headache?)
Mistrust or fear of Authority Figures (you're normal?)

Some of them are very sad and deserving of pity:

Low self-esteem (nobody likes you?)
Had an invisible friend as a child (you had no real friends?)
Implants in nose, skin, eyes, neck, etc (you were ugly?)
More health conscious (you're fat?)

How do I stop it happening to me?

If you're still worried about being abducted by our interstellar friends, there are many ways to stop those little fiends in their tracks.

There are some possible weaknesses in the aliens' make-up:

They have a reliance on telepathy, and as such by using a so-called 'thought screen helmet', their telepathic abilities are curtailed. They cannot abduct their victims: without the telepathic power they are unable to make their victims submissive.

The "thought screen helmet", developed by Michael Menkin in 1998, is made of 20 sheets of aluminium foil, and a leather hat. By simply impeding or deflecting thought, the helmet appears disable the aliens' powers and so prevent abductions.

One happy user of the helmet states that "(there is) still nothing new to report here...so it must work".

Another testifies that "the thought screen helmet has been performing beautifully! It's been over six months now and NOT ONE INCIDENT! Aside from some of the naive neighbourhood kids and their taunting it's been a blissful period"

Both of these statements sound a bit like the tiger-repelling rock in an episode of 'The Simpsons':

Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.
Lisa: That's spacious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, dear.
Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Oh, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't work.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: It's just a stupid rock.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around, do you?
[Homer thinks of this, then pulls out some money]
Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
[Lisa refuses at first, then takes the exchange]

Just because there aren't any aliens and you're wearing a leather cap doesn't necessarily mean that the cap keeps the aliens away.

There have also been many cases of people physically battling with their captors to stop the abduction. If the humans are still in their physical body, i.e. not 'astrally transported', the humans seem to win. So fight them, God damn it.

Other protective measures that you can employ are: leaving a bright light on at night, turning on fans, spreading salt around your bed (not sure what this does, maybe the dastardly alien shrivels up like a slug?), sleeping with iron bars.

For the more religious amongst you, you can always pray to God or an angel, sleep with a Bible or Koran next to you, as according to some sources, 'the beings doing the abduction are deep in sin, and you have a God-Given right, an Inalienable Right, to be left alone'.

If, God forbid, you are already too late to stop the abduction, you could always say forcibly that you demand to be returned to your physical body. You demand it. Apparently the aliens will comply. Not quite sure why.

Best though to try to prevent it with the above methods. Prevention is the key. Like with vampires.

Isn't it just a hoax?

Of course, the more cynical amongst you may believe that it's all just the product of an overactive imagination. Could be. It could even be an elaborate hoax.

Many people believe this (not saying what my stance is), and point to the fact that it is, if not impossible, then highly improbable.

The principles that they use to quantify this are as follows.

The nearest star to earth's sun is about 4 light-years away. It's called Alpha Centauri, perhaps you've heard of it, perhaps you've even been there. Now 4 light-years away might sound fairly close, but it is actually around 24 trillion miles away. Even if you were to travel at 1 million miles per hour, it would take more than 2,500 years to get there.

Currently, our fastest spacecraft is Voyager and this travels at about 40,000 miles per hour, even if it could travel at 100 million miles per hour it would still take 25 years to reach Alpha Centauri.

Of course, it is possible that there are beings somewhere in the Universe that can travel at very fast speeds and have the technology and the raw materials to build vessels that can travel at near the speed of light or greater. But whilst it is almost certain that there is life elsewhere in the universe, it is not inevitable that the results of their evolution would create intelligence, much less intelligence equivalent or greater than ours. It is possible that some of that life is equal or superior to us in intellect, however it is equally possible that we are unique.

The sheer distance involved makes it highly unlikely that, even if they do exist, they have visited us. They have the whole Universe to explore. What makes people think they will automatically find us?

The most interesting point about alien stories is that, according to author Robert Schaeffer, "we can find all the major elements of contemporary UFO abductions in a 1930 comic adventure, 'Buck Rogers in the 25th Century'".

So are they rehashes of popular culture? Possibly.

So now you want to be abducted?

Most people will probably never get the chance to be abducted by aliens. Shame. However, there is one company that could help you, if you're worried.

"Alien Abductions Incorporated can provide you with memories of an experience guaranteed to be unlike any other available on this planet! We offer a wide range of add-on options, from the 24/7 Surveillance Special (to give you that added edge of real-life paranoia) to our exclusive Evidence Kit, which contains items specially selected to heighten your Experience. We even offer a low cost course of deprogramming, medication, and therapy that is available to any of our customers who may choose to discontinue their Experience."

One final point.

There is precedence for abduction. Even an insurance company have been convinced. In Wiltshire, a man named Joseph Carpenter was 'abducted by aliens'. Nothing unusual there you might think, just another loony.

The trouble was he had an insurance policy against being abducted. So he claimed on it.

Well he might as well give it a go.

To everyone's surprise, the insurance company actually paid out £1 million insurance to Mr Carpenter, for he could prove through documentary evidence that he had in fact been beamed up from a field near RAF Lyneham in Wiltshire.

His evidence was that he'd brought back an alien claw, which scientists said contained DNA that was not from our planet. In addition to this startling evidence, friends had been on hand to take video footage and still photos of the creatures who abducted him.

Stranger than fiction, eh?

"John Carpenter's Ghosts Of Mars" (15), starring Natasha Henstridge and Ice Cube, opens on November 30th 2001, and is released by Columbia TriStar Films (UK).

Official site: www.columbiatristar.co.uk/ghostsofmars